Thursday, August 18, 2005 - Disturbed.. :

Hi friends out there, sorry if I have been boring you with the daily happenings of my life. Lol. Been trying hard these days to actually live a simple university student life and trying very much not to complicate my life by thinking too much.

Ack. But now, I am currently mentally disturbed. Lol. --> jame's blog entry. Was chatting to james last night on his entry; but on a not so extensive manner. For me, I don't very much enjoy these 'intellectual debates'. To me, complexity kills. As least to how I feel, people who tries to voice their actual views, opinions or preferences, simply sparks disharmony when his ideas do not get across or somehow un-acceptable to another's beliefs. Of course, good diplomacy skills can play a part to ensure thatdisharmony does not happen. But somehow, its hard to know when one can go into extremes to protect their personal interests. Somehow, jame's recent post triggered me to offer my 'special attention' to it. Maybe I am just being oversensitive, but anyway, I will provide my views on all the disturbing thoughts that has surfaced within me because of it.

-- Warning: May contain disturbing content --
I don't really like the fact that people are digging up the bad past and continues rattling about it. Be it their way of relieving their classical jokes, it only serves to bring me to detest the victim of my unfortunate event even more. In a way, I blame the victim for bringing me to my extremes and casting that lingering shadow. Human beings makes mistakes. But doesn't mean they won't change. By bringing up those series of unfortunate events, inevitably they are trying projected to me the image that it will happen again given the circumstances. Making it worst, people I recently got to know seems to be learnt about the "legendary debido attack" hence paying a very respectable distance from me. This goes to show how horrible gossips and those "San1 ba1" can be. Are they trying to forewarn others simply because they believe that I have yet changed? Or do I have to announce to the world and promise everyone that it won't happen again?

Recalling, song asking me an interesting qns once before. Given a broken vase, would I choose to repair it or choose to discard it and obtain a new one. My reply simply, "depending on how much I value this vase compared to others". Unfortunately, my life journey till now wasn't very smooth-sailing. I had lots of ups and downs through my school life and have really lost friends along the way whom I value very much. I can only say that at times, time can eventually heal wounds but will bury those feelings along with it. People change as they adapt to their new environment. Those feelings of the past can only form a distant memory that one keeps close to their heart. Of course, if opportunties permits, one day, I will seek to reforge the vases that I once hold dear to my heart though I know they can never be the same ever again.

Since NS, I have been in constant contact with this group of "cha-pa-lang" friends. Lol. "cha-pa-lang" as its funny on how they can actually mixed together even though they come from a different phase of my life. Some from my sec sch, my JC and there is even one known through my JC friend as he was his NS senior. In the past, I used to think "the group" idea is rather warped. Even now, I can't say I am in complete comfort with some of them. Afterall, one may associate "the group" as his group but does that equals my definition of my group the same as his? "My friend's friend is my friend." How true is that if I don't even know your friend. My definition of a friend does not equate to another's in absolute completeness either.

To my "cha-pa-lang" group of friends; Don't use group pressure on me. I hate it. That includes your funny ideas of how to convince me to socially accept another person. Convince yrself that you have already FULLY accepted that person before doing so to me. Sometimes, it just makes me laugh when you can't even substain yr grounds that this person is worth the effort. The best I can do is offering my tolerance regarding this matter.

Finally, I get my mind off these nonsense that bother me since last night. Lol. I am deeply sorry is this blog entry is not a pleasant one. Pardon me if I offended anyone.

debido waiting for someone at 12:50 PM